I know that people process this whole thing much differently than I do, but it never occurred to me to be unhappy or not enjoy children or pregnant women for that matter, until other people mentioned that it was hard for them. And after I thought about it, I made a strict effort to focus on the fact that children have always made me happy and I shouldn't stop letting that happen, because I have quite enough to be grumpy about! And as for the prego ladies, I've just always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and the fact that I may never know what that is like and sometimes I'm jealous of it...I can't seem to feel the icky feelings that many other women in my situation do. I don't know why.
Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's my conception process. I have never been pregnant not even once. But I know lots of people have miscarriages before they get pregnant, these false starts with the adoption thing are my "miscarriages". One of these days it's going to take. Perhaps in a way...as odd as it may sound...this is how my child is conceived in my heart instead of my uterus. This is the "trying to concieve" that counts for me. The biological trying was tedious and made sex totally not fun. Even as I write this post, my feelings on the situation are becomming more clear to me. All the years I spent wondering if I could ever get pregnant, and then trying to get pregnant and trying to arrange the proper conditions for it to happen were so frustrating, but that is all they were...frustrating. I had almost no emotional connection to conception. I lost that when I was told at 19 that I may never have children. I grieved it so long ago...and even though we tried for awhile, I was going in with the knowledege that it was more than likely hunting for a miracle. Adoption and searching for our "Juno" is more emotionally significant for me...and I can't belive I'm saying this...I'm glad it's been hard. I know WHAT!? But hear me out.

I've said in past posts that when I see something difficult, I want to leave a great big Kelley shaped hole in it and run toward it head first. Sometimes the thing that is the most right is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I've never had an "easy" life. Sure I was raised in a middle class family, I never was without anything I needed, but I've never had things just "Work out" People say that and I have no clue what it means. I sell houses, move, find new jobs, get married and now Adopt and there are always roadblocks and difficult relationships, tough training, and certainly there has never been a bidding war where I make a killing when I've sold property. So why should Adoption be any different than the rest of my life? And I mean that earnestly not sarcastically. I'm doing this my way, the hard way. It's how I roll. Not that it's my lot in life, but I love everything I've ever gotten the hard way, and my baby will be no different. And the baby will be the worlds fussiest child. :D (I think Sara said in her blog "Curled up in a ball repeating 'this is what I wanted'" and I tend to agree!)