the-blog

Kelley

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:32:10 +0100

I think I smile the best with kids around. Especially these two.

I'm sure that if you read this blog regularly, you've seen pictures of me, you've read my prayers, you've figured out my writing style, and you've gotten a pretty good idea of who I am. I don't hide my warts, I try to laugh at them, but I wrote a post a while ago about my family and then one one each of my pets and even one about Jer. Up until now I was not really ready to write one about myself. So, while the proverbial "iron" is hot, I will strike. I think we all define ourselves by how we relate to others and the things we like. Seriously what are we if not one giant opinion right? My Twitter description of myself is pretty accurate, "A happy go lucky child turned quirky adult." When limited to 140 characters, self-description becomes both simple and difficult. My mom might not say I was so happy go lucky. I was always emotional, but when it comes down to it, I was secure in the fact that my parents loved me (so I was happy and felt lucky to be me) and everything else was just my response to change. How I've learned to deal with changes in the world around me has made me sort of quirky. I am a little on the "jump to the worst possible conclusion and then talk myself down from the ledge" side. Likes: honesty, integrity and consistency. Coffee, chocolate and pasta(I like versatility in my food). Jeans and funky shirts with comfy shoes. Reading,Cooking writing,gardening, mowing the lawn,sitting outside enjoying the world. But above all of these individual things, I like to be with family and friends, so any and all of the activities is better when there is someone or lots of someones close by. Things I do because I should: Exercise, watching the calories and going to the Dr. I work for a dentist, so dentistry is high on the list of healthy things I do. I am both easy and difficult to please. I want what I want how I want it and when; but at the same time, I love little surprises. For example: a patient brought me some eggs from her hens, and that made my day. I ate them scrambled this morning and they were delicious! And so bright yellow! And that made the visit from the Animal Licensing man from "The County" fade into the background along with the 35 dollars for licensing the dog AND the cat. (Seriously, pet taxes?)

I love beautiful things, flowers, animals, seascapes, landscapes, sunsets, thunderstorms, clouds, etc. I love and appriciate the pretty things in the world.

I care about things that aren't so pretty, like orphaned children, lost animals, Senior citizens keeping thier dignity and people in crisis. I want to help and have found more and more ways to do that.

Most of all, I am grateful for a loving God who sent His Son to save me from myself. For all of the times when I've forgotten about the things I like, the things I should do and the people I should care more about. He's helped me find ways to reach out and think about people other than myself. And that is really who I am. A flawed and stained person rescued from a life of misery by Jesus. And thank God for that!

Kelley's Family

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:16:21 +0100

This Photo was taken when my mom was 28, my dad was 30, my brother J. was 4 and I was 6. I am the oldest of three children and the only daughter to L&L. I was always a "Daddy's girl" and my brother J. was sort of attached to my mom.

I'm 10 in this picture, J. is 7 1/2 and B. is 1 1/2. B. was like my "first kid", I took good care of him, and so did my mom! Poor guy, he had two mommies! I think this was Easter Sunday, I know that was my favorite dress for a long time, it had Violets on it.
I think I'm five in this picture, we went to Joshua Tree National Forrest, see the Joshua Tree on the right? This is one of my favorite pictures.
My "Tweety Pie" cake! I remember it. See that chunk outta the back? Yep, I had a thing for icing! I think my mom is knuckling so I won't dive into the cake! I'm pretty sure this was at her parent's house. My auntie B. may have made the cake...or it was from Scandia bakery, my mom and I used to walk there some times to get a cookie! I think I will always be my parent's baby girl. I can still see "That Look" in my dad's eye when he sees me after we've been away for awhile. (OK even a day) and my mom still calls me "her baby" even when I'm not acting very love able. When I was 17 I hated it, but now...I kinda like it! They are so excited to be grandparents! My mom is making two quilts right now, one girl quilt and one boy quilt. I told her not to make a neutral one, we want gender specific stuff, we just don't know yet! Our nursery is green and we love the "Tiddlywinks Froggie" collection, but that's because Jeremiah was a Bullfrog! :D N0t because it's neutral! We plan to add Ladybugs if we have a girl, and puppies or baseball if we have a boy! (I don't like to say when we "get" a baby, though it seems everyone else I know asks "When are you going to get your baby?" I don't know why it matters, but it does. We're having a baby via adoption, not getting a baby; see the difference?) So, my parents L&L are totally excited to be grandparents. They've been waiting a long time!

My brothers and I get along as long as we don't let our stubborn streaks (yes, all three of us have one) get in the way. I know they're really excited to be uncles! J. wants to take baby fishing and camping, and B. wants to give baby drawing lessons. J. is going to be a Teacher one of these days, he's going to grad school for his Masters in Education soon. And B. is an exceptional artist, he wants to be a Graphic Designer, he already is, he just doesn't get paid to do it yet! Both of my brothers have awesome musical taste, we all like the same stuff, but we all have different little niche music we like. Mine is Folk, J.'s is Rock/Alt and B.'s is more Alt. The three of us can make each other laugh til we cry, or want to pull our hair out, but it's all love in our family

Nursery

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:08:23 +0100

My mom and dad both helped, Mom lettered in pencil...

My dad leveled everything out...he's so handy! He put up my new mantle too!

I painted in most of the letters.

What do we think? Besides the fact that we need 1. more artwork in the room, and 2. a baby to go in the crib.

(and the cat finally has discovered that the crib is comfy! And "Get out of my room if you don't mind!"MEOW!)

Lunch with Grandma and Mom

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:00:01 +0100

I drove down to Centrailia today, about 2 hours south of Seattle to visit with my mom and grandma who drove up from Portland. It's approximately half way between the two cities, which may be why it's called Centrailia...
I almost never drive that long, Jer has motion sickness issues if he's not driving, and since we usually go places together, he drives. I forgot how much I love cruise control!
we ate at the Country Cousin, which has decent food and usually isn't too loud, so it's good for conversation (not to mention you can see it from the Interstate, so it's easy to find) Really, how could you miss it?

I arrived in town about half an hour before my mom did, so I took a little drive down a road I've always been curious about when we stop for Star.bucks on the way to and from Portland. And was rewarded with this little gem: It's a car museum...it was closed, and there were no indications that it was ever really open...

Then I went to the restaurant and this is what happens when your 4'9" grandma tries to take a picture...

We had a good visit and I found a REALLY cute jacket at the outlet mall. Yes, I am very tall when I stand next to the two of them...I am a giant 5'4.5" Mom is 5' and Grandma is the aforementioned 4'8" She used to be 4'10" but age has shrunk the disks in her spine. We're going to have to do this more often!

Vacation! June

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:58:51 +0100

Our vacation was great! We visited our friends the Shoultz's in Schroon Lake, NY. Schoon is a picturesque little town on the banks of the lake bearing its name.

Beth and Nathan let us stay with them, and insisted on giving us their room while they slept in the double bed bottom bunk in the kid's room. Nathan still has a bruise on his forehead from his generosity. Jer and I would have happily slept with the kiddos, but Beth was insistant.

I'd grown numb to their absence (they moved to NY in January) and was so happy to hang out with them! We celebrated Gavin's third birthday, and went to the town beach, and to Ben and Jerry's factory in Waterbury, Vermont. We also visited Lake Placid, NY and all the little towns between Schroon and the two cities. It was quiet and very easy going. I loved the small town, I like small towns, they defy compartmentalization and even the businesses can overlap. For example, the bar also runs the video shop and the new consingment shop is going to have a small tea room.
And most everything closes at 5 at least until a little further along in the summer.
Now that I'm home and away from them again, I miss them again. Not more, but now that Carley is walking and talking, she's a personality to miss and not just a sweet little life that I admired. She's really good at the baby sign language, and she can say and sign "more please" and really likes icecream!
When they first moved it was really very hard on me, Beth is so generous with her children, she lets us "parent" them a little. And they're great about answering questions from Jer, who is always curious about things, but doesn't like to read all the books, I should start making a notebook of all of the things I've read and like.
So, spending time with them really filled a hole and it was neat that Carley remembered us, she was only 6 months old when they left and the sweet little smile she gave me in the car when I said Hi was one that seemed to be remembering. And the whole week, Jer was her best friend except for a few hours of shyness the first morning. I cried a little on the way home, but not as much as I did when they moved. And now I can visualize what they're doing everyday.

Can you blame me for missing these smiles?

I'm Glad I Can Still Enjoy Children

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:28:33 +0100

I know that people process this whole thing much differently than I do, but it never occurred to me to be unhappy or not enjoy children or pregnant women for that matter, until other people mentioned that it was hard for them. And after I thought about it, I made a strict effort to focus on the fact that children have always made me happy and I shouldn't stop letting that happen, because I have quite enough to be grumpy about! And as for the prego ladies, I've just always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and the fact that I may never know what that is like and sometimes I'm jealous of it...I can't seem to feel the icky feelings that many other women in my situation do. I don't know why.
Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's my conception process. I have never been pregnant not even once. But I know lots of people have miscarriages before they get pregnant, these false starts with the adoption thing are my "miscarriages". One of these days it's going to take. Perhaps in a way...as odd as it may sound...this is how my child is conceived in my heart instead of my uterus. This is the "trying to concieve" that counts for me. The biological trying was tedious and made sex totally not fun. Even as I write this post, my feelings on the situation are becomming more clear to me. All the years I spent wondering if I could ever get pregnant, and then trying to get pregnant and trying to arrange the proper conditions for it to happen were so frustrating, but that is all they were...frustrating. I had almost no emotional connection to conception. I lost that when I was told at 19 that I may never have children. I grieved it so long ago...and even though we tried for awhile, I was going in with the knowledege that it was more than likely hunting for a miracle. Adoption and searching for our "Juno" is more emotionally significant for me...and I can't belive I'm saying this...I'm glad it's been hard. I know WHAT!? But hear me out.

I've said in past posts that when I see something difficult, I want to leave a great big Kelley shaped hole in it and run toward it head first. Sometimes the thing that is the most right is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I've never had an "easy" life. Sure I was raised in a middle class family, I never was without anything I needed, but I've never had things just "Work out" People say that and I have no clue what it means. I sell houses, move, find new jobs, get married and now Adopt and there are always roadblocks and difficult relationships, tough training, and certainly there has never been a bidding war where I make a killing when I've sold property. So why should Adoption be any different than the rest of my life? And I mean that earnestly not sarcastically. I'm doing this my way, the hard way. It's how I roll. Not that it's my lot in life, but I love everything I've ever gotten the hard way, and my baby will be no different. And the baby will be the worlds fussiest child. :D (I think Sara said in her blog "Curled up in a ball repeating 'this is what I wanted'" and I tend to agree!)

Endurance

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:24:44 +0100

I'm not sure why, but it occurred to me that even though I am disappointed sometimes by the length of our wait, that I am living James 1:2-4
2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (Thoroughly prepared if you will)

James wasn't speaking to us directly, he was speaking to a specific people through a letter, but, we can still learn from his words, and I'd encourage anyone to read James and enjoy the very poetic themes he uses. And take comfort in the advice he gives to the Jewish Christians scattered across the Roman world.

And regardless of the desolation of the landscape, God has a plan for this time in our lives, and to use an Old Testament reference: the road to the Land of Milk and Honey was through quite the wild wilderness. Take heart, have hope and dust off your Bible and read James!

Thank you Lord, for your excellent works. For James, your brother, who wrote so beautifully. Thank you for the endurance you're creating in me and my frinds who are waitng. We may not know what it is for, tantrums or teething or teenagers, but we accept and thank you for this time, help us to be comforted, authentic, and alive in everymoment. To be thankful and pray for the matches and placements that take place ahead of us. Help me to feel excited about each day I wake up, for each day I go to my job, and for each difficult patient I encounter. Help me to see it as one step closer, one experience closer and to live one moment at a time.

More Than a Groom

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:18:37 +0100

The title of my Blog is "From You and Me, to Family"; so who is this person "You". He's a very specific you, not the "You all" You. I met him 12 years ago, he's tall blond, blue eyed, quiet, friendly and completely gorgeous. He is my husband, Jeremiah. We met at a party at the home of a mutual friend in October of 1997. I was a newbie student employee in the Admissions and Registration Building, and I was just getting to know all of the other student employees when I met a young woman Z. Z kept telling me about how she'd been dumped the previous spring and really hated her ex boyfriend Jeremiah. He broke up with her in the car on the way home from Jr. Year. They had been high school sweethearts and apparently he'd gone to our college because she had decided to go there. The Friday before Fall Quarter was to start our friend Kathy who also worked in the A/R office, was having a dinner party and she invited me. I was excited to go, but I didn't live on campus at the time, so I had no time to go home and change…and I'd just had Aerobics class and no time to shower, so my hair felt greasy, my face was devoid of makeup and I was probably a tad stinky, my clean shirt could only cover up so much!! But, I went anyway, because I couldn't say no to my first invitation! And JV, another young man who worked in the A/R would be there and I had a minor crush on him, so I thought it would be fun! Some of us were playing poker in the living room, and I noticed a truck pull up outside and a couple of guys come up the walk, I "knew" one of them was Jer. And I assumed it was the less good looking, slightly grumpy looking guy. I don't know why, probably because Z had gone on about what a jerk her ex was. I had a dark image in my mind, well I saw the cuter of the two, (both were handsome it was a really close to say who was more handsome) and thought "Wow, he's cute". Then he walked through the door and I kid you not, I was the person he said hello to first, and when I said hi and our eyes locked, I was reasonably certain that I'd never again be without a "Special Someone". (I had taken Z's stories with a grain of salt, she wasn't a friend, merely someone I'd just met, and when I saw him and the kind eyes, there was just no way that he could have been as awful as she'd said) The evening went on and he left early so that he'd be able to get up for Church in the morning. He went to a Seventh Day Adventist church at the time. I immediately admired the fact that he was committed to his faith enough to go to church out of town at college and to leave a party early in order to go. When he got home, he called the party and asked for my phone number…I had to give it to him, with every one watching…they teased me relentlessly for the rest of the night! Then he neglected to use the phone number all weekend! I was beginning to wonder if maybe Z wasn't so off target after all! Monday came around and I dressed up for school, wearing a skirt and sweater and tried to look the opposite of the hideous I looked that Friday! I went to all of my morning classes and didn't see him anywhere! I had a 2 hour break before my next class (I MISS COLLEGE!) so I went to the SU for a new fangled espresso drink, (I still like iced vanilla lattes!) I stood in line and waited my turn, and I heard someone say "Kelley?" I turned to look and didn't see anyone actually looking in my direction, but there was Jeremiah standing in line behind me. I said, "Oh, Hi! I was wondering if I'd see you today." He asked me to sit with him and we proceeded to have an hour and a half long conversation. He walked me to my class and I sat down next to a friend from high school and he said, "OK, who is he?" I grinned and said, "My future husband." My friend looked at me and said, "She who's never had a boyfriend longer than two weeks?" I nodded. I was right! To this day, Jer insists that he never said my name to get my attention that day, nor did he hear anyone else say it. I can only guess that it was the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear, and he insists that I was gorgeous that day that I think I looked disgusting. He is the best man I've ever known, the only men that are equivalent are my Dad, and my Grandpas followed quickly by my uncles and brothers. We met in October and were engaged in March. We were in love, but we grew into best friends. I can't imagine going through the disappointments of trying to conceive and getting a diagnosis of infertility with anyone else. Whenever I thought we might be pregnant, he would get this sweet glowing lovey look and he'd get all cuddly and smoochy. I loved it, and I can only imagine how wonderful he will be with our children. The hardest thing about the failure in January was seeing how disappointed he was. I don't like how hard this is on him. But he is good at holding me up when I feel like I can't go on, and I have discovered that I can be his leaning post when he's having a hard time too. I can prop him up; I'm too short to have good leverage to hold him up! I'd rather hang out with him than do anything else.

Thank you Father, for giving me this fantastic husband to share my life with. You've given me a man who supports me in all ways, helps me with all things and holds me up when I can't stand. I know it is you that put us together, that our relationship is special and unique. We wait for you to make parents out of us, and we thank you for trusting us with a child that needs our special family personality. That you've designated us to be parents of a child that needs us and our particular gifts, a child who needs to know that we love him/her unconditionally including the condition of biology. You and you alone will be responsible for the blessing you give us and we thank you with our whole hearts for trusting us with your special child/children. Thank you for finding me such a wonderful man!

Amen!

Birthmother Comfort Gifts

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:11:28 +0100

I was looking around on the Bethany Christian Services site and started digging deeper into the site than I really ever have. I peek at my own profile more than I'd like to admit. I noticed the other day that they'd taken down several of the placed families (probably to make room for the new batch of families in May) and added one. And then I realized that with their newly designed webpage, it was much easier to see that there are a bunch of links to different sections of their website and that the ministry is even bigger than it had seemed before. So, I began clicking, some things I'd seen before like the store, but there was this whole other section, that I had completely missed (perhaps it's because I was looking to see what they could do for me, and not what I could do for them!) and I stumbled across a section on "how you can volunteer" of course now, I can't find it… but they mentioned "Comfort packs for Birthmothers" and I got to thinking, "hmmm, I wonder what those are?" so I emailed my Adoption Specialist and asked her about it, she forwarded my question to the Birthparent/Pregnancy counselor who sent this reply:

Basically they were gift bags filled with various things such as:

Bath oils/salts, Lotions, devotionals, candles, candy/snacks, jewelry,hair accessories, nail polish, relaxing CD

Anything generic; and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. If she wanted to go to a dollar store, pick out 5 or 6 pamper-type-items and put them directly into a gift bag with tissue paper that would be fantastic! (I wouldn't individually wrap each item, because that way I can make sure each item is appropriate for the particular birthmother). Thanks!

So, after work, I went to Ross, and found a bunch of things, along with some things I already had, and put them in bags, I now have six little gift bags all lined up, since Bethany is moving it's Seattle office to a different location in the next week, they'll be hanging out in my living room for a while, but…eventually they will get there!

I decided to put in: Headband, lip gloss, nail polish, a tea light candle, Skittles, chocolate, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, Kleenex, little body washes and lotion sets, two blank cards and a pen. I also included a note that says "We're praying for you! Best Wishes, A Bethany Family."

The thing is, I am now addicted to the idea and I want to make more!

Not the One

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:09:03 +0100

The search continues the rollercoaster starts again, like Goliath at "Magic Mountain" my husband and I are headed down a drop at 80 miles an hour and half way down we're running out of air from the screaming. The turns at high speed are putting us on the brink of blacking out. And here comes another hill. What could possibly be on the other side of that? Will it be the exit? Or are we still stuck on this ride, going past all the other people who want to get on, and all the relieved and excited people getting off?

There was birth family looking at us seriously; but then the birth father decided he couldn't consent to the adoption. What is the lesson I am looking for here? I trust that God will find the right family for us. I do, I am learning patience, I am learning how to deal with rejection, I am, I am, I am!

I know that knowing now is better than knowing before we see the baby and love it, to have this happen in the time allowed before the placement becomes permanent, I know that. But I'm still really disappointed and wonder how that child will do in a home where the mother wanted something different than that for her baby.

I just have issue with the fact that a woman can get an abortion without the father EVER knowing, but once they choose life, the father has to give his consent. He should have to go through what we go through. He should have to be studied and checked out and suffer through the process of wondering if you are good enough to be a parent.

I'm really angry right now, and very disappointed. I hope anyone looking into being an adoptive family isn't discouraged, just understand that this is part of the whole process. It has to be the right one. Everything has to be the perfect situation. And looking for perfection in an imperfect world…is hard. But it does happen. And I absolutely know that the baby I will be adopting is worth it.